She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
