You work out of a Hotel?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Two words: nipple clamps
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