I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
