you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
