i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
