We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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