my shit smells like andre
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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