I take back everything I said about communal showers
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
