Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Randomize
