I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
