First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
