I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
