I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
