Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
