It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
