How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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