I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It's just like the Real World with babies
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
