she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
