I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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