eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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