How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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