mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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