Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
