Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
