you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
