I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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