Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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