i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
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He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
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All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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