i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
