I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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