bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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