I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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