I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Don't make out with my wife yet
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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