dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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