really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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