We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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