I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
