Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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