my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
