whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
