my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
