using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
