Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
