So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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