i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
