Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
