Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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