At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
