Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
