i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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