U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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