Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
high people should be assigned attendants
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
