...so i touched it.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
