Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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