I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
