Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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