I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
